The price of motherhood and everything in between

So, if you know me at all, you know that I'm up for a road trip at any time to any place.

I use my blog as a way to fund my adventures and build content around the things I want to do. I like to think I've curated life according to art and travel and good food... that I don't have to make myself. Anytime anyone finds out that I've left town, I get a slew of questions. "What are you doing there?" "Why are you going alone?" "Are you okay?" "Can I come?". There is such a hope in peoples eyes whenever I go on a solo trip. Especially among the moms. Oh the moms on the playground, and the working moms, and the overwhelmed moms. I'm all those moms too and if a year ago I would have heard of someone doing what I'm doing, I would have jealously harshly judged them. "How could you, a mom, just pick up and leave your babies? And your husband who works? Now he has to take care of the kids while you what, go find yourself? Go eat all over town? Go waste all of his hard earned money? By yourself?" Yeah, don't worry, I still judge myself pretty harshly but it's a little less than before because I can see the fruit. The fact of the matter is, I've been giving myself away to this family for years and have completely lost myself in motherhood. All the hugs in the world won't make right what fell apart in my relationships, family, marriage or self. I still feel the twinge of guilt anytime I see something online and want to visit a new city. I feel the ache of missing my kiddos and my husband, hell, even the dog, and yeah, I feel as though I'm ungrateful for wanting to go. I have a good family. I have a stable life. I have a husband who really does support me. And still... it's not enough. And it's not really not enough, it's just a lack of balance over a duration of time that's broken my soul. I'm healthy now but lets talk about marriage. The things we chose to ignore to keep someone else happy. The things we unintentionally do to another person with a complete disregard to how we make them feel. The things we do to each other that are unkind, not helpful and at best are somewhat destructive. It's funny now, hindsight that is, that I could have done as well as I have with all that's taken place. There's a ton of baggage and an avalanche of guilt and sorrow but mostly, in some ways, these trips offer an opportunity to explore all the feelings I have. I can talk about anger easily, the parts where I've felt slighted, the breakdown of communication, the depression and all the other overwhelming parts of motherhood and marriage that felt so lonely, that nobody (or maybe only one person or thing- right or wrong) could shake my perspective on to make things make sense. At the end of the day, I have to be able to live with myself and I need to explore this part of myself because I found out that nothing is what it seems and I see things differently after taking some time alone. It's almost as if the veil has been lifted and everything is illuminated. All this through a road trip. Well, a series of road trips that have allowed me time to think. I've not had silence in years. Sometimes, I feel like I'm making up for lost time. Sometimes... most times, I feel like an asshole for wanting to do anything alone. Oh how my girl would've loved the flowers

in bloom in DC. And the history that my boy could've learned. But, I wouldn't have gotten this shot. And man, that harsh realization that I still have the eye and that I would've missed it if I was being pulled in different directions with little hands, hurts. It stings to acknowledge that I could miss a moment with kids over a picture but I miss these moments too. And I know that now. No amount of busyness will fix the hole that was spreading over the years. I needed to walk alone. I needed to remember who it was that I could be without someone crying, complaining or even talking while walking around in a cold misty rain. And that's the part of it. If we don't take care of the gifts we have, we forget we have them. We take them for granted. The same is true with general overwhelm with the kiddos. If I see them at their worst at all times, I take for granted any time I have with them outside of the heavy lifting of motherhood. Adulting is hard. Parenthood is shit. But really, only if you don't have balance. So, I'll take off when I see there is a festival I want to explore because it beats sitting in anymore years of resentment. Every part of this trip was life giving. They always are. Sitting in a Tesla, driving the stupid speed limit so I wouldn't run out of power, for 13 hours, is lifegiving. I still feel bad about the cost of things. But hey, maybe I'll be that blogger I want to be with a level of consistency that's never existed in my life because I now have some balance. I've needed to start showing up for who I'm sure I am, it's really about damn time and balance, is key.

Tags: #motherhood #parenthood #sahm #depression #balance #honestandunbiased #candidconversations #washingtondc #cherryblossoms #nationalcherryblossomfestival