Tulips, Grief and the stomach bug

Music: Kendrick Lamar - United in Grief, Radiohead - Everything in it's Right Place

This weekend I went to Mansfield, Missouri, to the Baker Creek, Rare seeds farm. They are an heirloom seed company that I purchase my seeds from every year and I was so ecstatic to finally be able to make it. This is the first year I've been able to go and I was looking forward to all the seeds I could buy and exploring the farm and talking to vendors and just enjoying the weather. Thankfully it was spring break for the kiddos, so my entire family was able to come with me. And while I wasn't sure if I should bring them or if I should just go on my own, I had some ideas about how we could enjoy the farm together.

Let me start by saying they made a valiant effort. All three children came down with the stomach bug for most of their spring break week. As a selfish mom who misses her babies all year and had a whole thing planned, I felt sad. As a selfish mom who hates to clean up vomit, I felt pissed. As a selfish mom who wanted to spend time with the babies, I felt alone. And while I do take trips on my own, this wasn't supposed to be that kind of trip. I didn't want to go by myself. I mean, I did a little bit, but not the way that I did for Washington DC or Lexington, Kentucky. I really wanted to make this a family trip because it was a very long trip and I had just come off of a solo trip and I thought they would enjoy the farm. I was thinking that they would have a lot of fun exploring with me and getting ready for our garden and as much as I want to lean into home school, this is a good test run for what our lives could look like. If we pursued it. So, I put them all in the minivan with my husband and we drove to Springfield, MO. It was a very long trip because everyone was still only about 75% better. But when we made it to the Airbnb, everyone was happy to rest and everybody loved this space. I very much loved the place we got to stay at and it felt so comfortable to just relax and rest and be together. We arrived on Friday night and we spent all day Saturday just hanging out at the house. We went to Walmart to pick up some things that we needed to make our own food and to make Easter baskets. We spent time outside, we attempted a bonfire, which was not very good due to wet wood haha but it was a really nice time together. And my husband and I got to sit quietly while the kids got to play. We watched TV in somebody else's house, which was clean, which was the appeal compared to that germ infested house we left behind. And we really did make the most of our time. On Sunday morning, we packed up and headed to the Tulip Festival. When we arrived, we got Jesus parking as I expected (Jesus parking is basically right in front of an entrance). It was sunny and bright and I was super excited. My children were not. My husband was patient, but my children were a mess. The first thing we did was go to a porta potty for my daughter, which by the way, if you ever have a chance to go to a very extra large porta potty for wheelchair accessibility, go for it. Especially at the beginning of a festival. I made my way to the ATM tent and from there I shot over to the seed store itself. It was humid and it was packed. And we were almost touching the people in front, behind and around us. It didn't matter. I was in the place I need to be. The place I wanted to be. The place I longed to be. With my daughter and my son. I asked my daughter to grab seeds from the bottom shelf and my son to grab from the middle shelf, and we went about collecting as many seed packets as we could. One of each, actually. I gathered what I could.

My son made a few comments about how much money I was spending. And right then and there, I realized we had an issue with money. It's something for us to work on with him. And I think it comes from a lack of spending during his early years. I explained to him that this is a work related expense and that it is used to make content. While I don't think any of us mean to take words, especially from a young person personally, sometimes those words sting. And it hit the heart in a weird way. There's a lot that happened in that moment. I felt like he was being judgmental towards me and I realized that I took it to heart because money hasn't been something we've always had, and even when we did have it, I wasn't free to spend it. I was told I was free to spend it, but I really wasn't or at least not without a feeling of distrust for my purchases. And herein lies the issue. Our baggage brought over from childhood into adulthood. And the grief. Oh, the grief. Grief in parenthood. Or grief in marriage. Or grief in adulthood. Or however you want to phrase it, that all these triggers come up literally because of the relationships and partnerships we make after functioning in a healthy or not so healthy culture. Grief, I don't think I've ever heard anybody talk about it. But I think it's so debilitating. I can easily say that I spent several years sitting in grief and depression without recognizing what it was. Now I have a name for it. It's grief. I don't think it's resentment because I don't resent my family for the things I can't do. I am happy to give all those things up, but it doesn't mean I wasn't sad about part of life that I missed out on. Simply because I made the choice to get married or have kids. I think now that the kids are all in school I have some time to sit in it. I'm thankful to a good husband who is, for the most part, understanding and the most patient person I've ever met. I have an extreme gratitude for my children. I like them, genuinely. I mean, sometimes I don’t care for how they treat each other but overall, I like the humans we made. And yet I still have heavy grief. Now if you took time to put your own career aside, to put any goals or ideas of what your life was going to be on the back burner to raise a family, it looks from the outside like you made that choice. But I can say with 100% honesty that this was a choice that was made for me. Through time and with an allowance to die to self and lean into a culture of motherhood with the saying that "this season goes by quickly" as our general mantra, the underlying feelings of shame that built over time for not wanting to be where I was, was overwhelming. How does one fit in with a group of people that are so naturally maternal and loving and kind to their children with a Christ-like attitude as they sit in contentment of childrearing, for the most part together but alone? So, I leaned into it and soaked up the babies with a complete disregard for myself and my wellbeing. I don't think parenthood should look like that anymore. Now, I did agree to raising my children. And I had them. I chose to have them. But never did I consider that I could do anything else outside of what was put in front of me. As I wore the expectations of others, from family to friends, to church and society, whilst never actually getting it right, those expectations from others are the stepping stones into my breakdown. Those expectations broke my spirit because I was no longer living within a choice. More like a person making the most of a situation, and enjoying the company of littles, with a lack of intentionality. Now, we see the ramifications of it all. Now I can see how putting myself, my goals and my ideas and my mental and emotional well-being aside was the wrong decision. And this is important as I focus on this new phase of life. This is the part that I have to find balance within, to make that selfish part, calm. To not just take it and run with the feelings of entitlement for having "put the work in" to afford myself the life and freedom from domesticity. This is where I am right now. And why I sometimes still compromise. And why sometimes I still sit in confusion about which choice, bringing my family or not, is the best choice. I think I've figured it out. I think I just won't take work during spring break. Or I will just go it alone. And honestly, I'm not too keen on the fact that this event is held Easter Weekend. That's a time for family and had I enough courage, I would've just asked my husband to figure something out at work and let me leave Sunday afternoon to share in the event that was still going on on Monday. But you know what I also learned? There's always next time.

I chose to spend $880 on these seeds. I could've probably not purchased most of the flowers but that mid 2010's Renee is going to say #YOLO and sit in my decision because it was solely mine. And I don't regret a damn thing. Who has time to regret when there are seeds to be planted and growth to be had?

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