Sitting in gratitude
- Renee Diaz
- Oct 17, 2019
- 3 min read
This morning I woke up and checked the 9 texts that I didn't read before I fell asleep last night. People shared with me and I responded groggily with more questions to pick up from where we left off in last nights conversations. Some of that stuff was hard to read. I'm not sure I want to wake up to texts like that but I love my friends and I will encourage however and whenever I can. Even at 4:50 in the morning. The take away is that I woke up free from illness with a roof over my head in a city I love. And have been blessed with a husband I respect and love and children I adore. There is so much to be grateful for.
As I thought about some of their struggles I went on and made breakfast for my husband whom hadn't left yet. I always want to get up early to cook for him but I don't usually have the gumption to do it. It makes me happy to serve him and I feel a sense of pride when I take that (extra) step to get up, instead of laying in bed with the phone, just wasting time online. Also, my grandmother begs me to do this, at least once a month, so I'm pretty sure she'd be really happy with me right now.
As I was cooking, he stood by watching and waiting. He of course was running late now because of my breakfast (I always do this to him) but he was still engaging and graceful. When he left I made a plan to shower and to sit down to write. I also wanted to get in the word which is hard to do on normal days. Then that feeling of weighty dread came over me that felt like not being able to breathe. Chicago teachers are on strike and ALL the children are home today. Really it's just one more to the group then there usually is. But with more fights and a lack of general life organization typically means, I'm going to be present with them but I'm not going to get much done. Sigh. As I walked around I prayed to get stuff done. Earlier when I was scrolling on Instagram I went to check out Christy Wright and Business Boutique. Then of course the rabbit trail of "You may also like" on IG prompted me to check out Rachel Cruz. I scrolled through her pics really quickly and I saw a picture with a book opened to a page with the phrase "We take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude". Dang. That's me. I'm always trying to accomplish more to have more. More money so I can have more time. More time so I can have more opportunity. More opportunity so I can rely on myself and make sure all parts of everyone's lives are going well, because of me. I'm always running around, not well, trying to succeed in all areas of life. I then find myself resenting parts of parenthood, marriage and adulthood simply because I can't accomplish what I set out to do. Or better yet, because I think I deserve to have all things work for me. Constantly thinking, with guilt of course, if I just work/try harder...
Whenever I find myself in that tailspin of thinking, and if I can catch my "woe is me" in time, I think of the scripture:
I thank God that I am not given this life for me. I'd have destroyed it many a times over, very long ago. I think that's what selfishness is, just another form of (self) destruction. Honestly, flesh me just wants to do stuff I want to do. But when I can look to Christ and think about all he's done, I can stand in gratitude, despite my flesh. I think some of this comes up because I've also, been grieving my eldest son for time I wasted and didn't cherish when he was younger. I have a real ache in my heart for him and I miss him every day he's in school. He's such a wonderful boy and he is just a good good kid. He causes no trouble. He is bright and funny. He can easily be missed because he's not loud enough compared to the other two screaming babies. And for all those reasons, I need Christ to help focus me and realign my eyes to follow him closely, seek the kingdom and his righteousness and all the rest will fall into place.
- Renee
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