Pursuit of Happiness (Nightmare)

This week we celebrated Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday as well as the Inauguration of a new President and Vice President. Like a light switch being turned on, we can now see the full impact the former administration has had on our nation. Truth is truth again. There aren't pieces of conspiracy theories being woven into speeches from the pulpit of the government. Science with hope for justice and equality is the law of the land. The fact that we can celebrate MLK day while simultaneously celebrating such a dramatic shift in power is a blessing. It's also a stark reminder that the fight isn't over. We've come a long way but there is still so much more to fight for. And through all that and the emotions that come with it, I'm still a lowly homeschool mom. And there's never enough coffee in a day.

Back when the kids were in school, the day off from school would be a fun free day. We'd see people at McDonald's or go to a park or museum. In winter, we'd stay around the house and tv would be on most of the day. We'd eat junk food and just relax together or apart but together. This MLK day, I spent the better part of the day learning as much as I could to prepare for a day of school. That morning, I spent my time in bed fretting about how to talk with the kids about what this day signified. At the same time that I was doing that, I was looking up tuition at 3 schools I want to consider for the future. Homeschool feels like a wash sometimes. These little ones are so prepared in some areas but I feel like we are really lacking in other areas. The lack of social interaction is surely stunting maturity as the toilet humor is rampant but it's more than that. This month my 4th grader will work on his first book report. I'm sure he's done them in the past but it dawned on me that he really hasn't done anything like that this school year. His written sentences need more structure and the guilty mom in me says I'm to blame for that deficiency. I mean, you really can't blame anybody else. And yes, I know why I homeschool but dang, it's not easy. It is still heavy with guilt because even though he's in 4th grade, I know he will be going to college one day and he'll need to know how to write a well formed sentence. There is just this heaviness that falls on me. Anyway, that's my moment of mom guilt I wanted to share.

With some of the good conversations we had on MLK day, it kind of brought to mind how we initially discussed racism. Since we have white privilege, we made the choice to discuss only out of necessity. I was listening to the radio, likely NPR, and there was a report that people in Canaryville were going to attack any black person they saw if they protested in the area. This was right after Michael Brown was killed and there were riots going on in Missouri. My son was in the car. I lowered the volume and gently discussed racism. It was a simple conversation "some people don't like black people because of their skin." He had no idea. He didn't quite grasp it. He mentioned Mr. Marcus from church and asked why his skin was different and we discussed God and the wonder and science of melanin. Now after 2020, he knows plenty about racism and he knows how I personally feel about it. I'm basically always angry anyway but even more so when it comes to racism and inequality. I make the kids watch inclusive shows along with their bible shows. I make it a point to talk about injustice all people face. I explain that even a fair skinned Mexican person can be treated unfairly because while we are considered white, we are a family with a Mexican American heritage and some people just don't like us. We talk a little about DACA and of course, we talk about my husbands journey to America and what he has faced. We talk about inequality for women and people who have different lifestyles then us. And still, I don't know that it's enough as a homeschool mom.

I have taken some time off social media as part of a churchwide fast but I'll tell you, I don't know that I want to go back. I find so much more time during the day. My home is better kept. My kids are spending more time with each other and I am seeing all of it. We read more. We listen to each other more. A couple nights ago, I told two labor and delivery stories to my kids. Screens are still part of our lives (I'm sitting in front of one now) but we did start taking it away and making them earn it. I even have a little sheet set up for them to earn 10 minutes per sticker and they can use it the same day or another time.

Part of my time away from social media has been playing over and over, what people might be saying on social media. There was a lot of ugliness when I left. Facebook is wonderful to view pics but rips at my soul for how people choose to share their beliefs and belittle another person over theirs. While I acknowledge that this loop in my head isn't great, there has been lots of clarity on what I want to focus my time doing. I wish I was never interested in a small business and amping up appeal online. The fervor of likes and the promise of becoming a sought after and popular mompreneur thwarted what my focus should really be; my babies. I now see what my friend said years ago coming to fruition, " this is only a season and it goes by so fast". I didn't care back then. I had one kid and was still working out the selfishness that encapsulates my heart but now, without distraction and without constant feeds shoving information into my face, I am still. I am reflective. If not for homeschool, I would surely be missing these babies and all the good quality time I get to spend with them. If schools were open I would be down to one little person following me around all day and wanting to play. Sure, that girl would be a little Montessori genius but I'd miss the boys. Then it would be her turn and she's such a social butterfly, she would do amazing in preschool. Honestly, I think about sending them all to school next year because I still feel ill equipped to teach. I'm happy to keep them here to afford us more time while trying to keep them safe during this never ending pandemic but I can't say we'll homeschool forever. I don't know what next year will bring, aside from a real opportunity to send them to school but I do really want to spend this time together, wisely.

This week we have been doing homeschool together at the dining room table. It's becoming more apparent that the playroom/homeschool room is probably better used as an office for Sparrow and Manna or my husband since he's working from home. We don't have any lessons in there anymore. I have no problem with putting up school lessons all over my dining room and there are nice happy sunny spots and plants all over. It also makes transitions to snack and lunch much easier. I'm still enjoying a broken schedule but we're doing better with getting more curriculum covered. It also is a great place for them to watch a laptop if we need it for a lesson or some fun during lunch. On the 20th we sat around the table having a snack and watched the Inauguration. It was emotional for me and I wanted to watch intently and listen and watch everything to just soak it all up. I hoped they would soak it up just as much but really my eldest was the only one who cared. My daughter wants to be Jennifer Lopez but hey, at least she looks like us! We didn't do many lessons that day but I guess still, that's one of my favorite parts of homeschool, it's done whenever and however we want, and it's helpful for when we need to make adjustments in our day.

I'd like to mention this because it's important. On Inauguration Day, I put up a new flag. Since late August, I have been flying my flag at half mast to coincide with the 200,000 Covid-19 deaths we reached here in the US. I feel like I've been in mourning for months. The former administration and the hate spewed took a piece of my soul. Even while our nation reaches 400,000 deaths since that day in August, I raised my new flag all the way up and feel hopeful with the new administration in place. I feel peace. And while my hope and peace has and will always be in Christ Jesus, there is something impactful about the people and places around me that are also at peace. In a society where people don't know Christ, a peaceful country is all I can hope for.

I titled this piece Pursuit of Happiness (Nightmare) which is a song by KiD CuDi. I was listening to it this week a lot through the Azealia Banks radio station on Pandora. Back when I had my other blog (I've had several) I used to title my posts according to song titles. I'd like to make that a normal thing here too, instead of just my coy little quips as titles. The song speaks to the selfishness I can relate to sometimes. There's an idea that you'll be fine when you get to what you think you want, but all of that doesn't take away the upset of real life and the loneliness that can be a devastating reality for some,

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