A time to reap and a time to sew - Ecclesiastes 3:7

I love my kids. I love them so much and don't have time to spend with them. I don't know how people live without sleep and parent. I've spent years not sleeping and have now gotten some sleep and although I'm a much better and more present parent, I don't think I'm rocking it. It's mostly just getting by.

There is a scripture that just came to mind. I don't really organize my content or have much of an idea of what I'll write about before I sit down, so this really did just come to mind.

Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Last week, on my birthday actually, my son showed me his over filled backpack and a very broken zipper. We used the heck out of that backpack. Almost 1.5 school years. He doesn't care about what's cool so reusing the same Incredibles bag was no issue but I did really want to get him a Spider man bag. The ones that we found were either too expensive, too childish, too small or we kind of just ran out of time and he ended up using what we have. As a less waste enthusiast, I was happy that he didn't care and that we could use what we had. When shopping during Back to School clearance season, I found a really cheap backpack and bought some Spiderman fabric to sew on to it. The back pack was super thing and was really poorly made. I would've needed to triple sew it but since I have all the equipment, it would have been fine. Except for the one issue that I encountered... I accidentally broke the zipper. We spent so much time making the pattern that I will make the bag eventually but we figured, like with everything else, we would the zipper and get it done, whenever we got it done. I don't shop a lot but the places I do shop are usually thrift stores, salvage/wholesale stores or grocery stores. Last week, I went to my favorite store, Continental Sales. They have such cool random stuff and the prices are awesome. I saw a Batman/Superman bag and paid around $10. When I showed my son, who no longer likes Batman and we don't accept the alien Superman, the bag, he was so happy. I asked him if he liked Batman again and he said no, he was just happy to have a new bag. Such a humble little heart. UGH my heart aches with joy when I think of how happy he was with something he didn't even like. He was just happy to have something. A replacement. So, when I shared with him my plan of remaking the bag, by hand sewing his already chosen fabric, he was even more excited. We spent some time making a janky pattern and he sat next to me, talking about what I was doing, about my plans for tattoos I'll never get and about how he wanted to try and sew some of the bag himself. I stabbed myself a few times to the point where blood appeared and I required a bandage which he quickly ran to my aid and provided. It was about that time that I told him we could sew something else later, for safety reasons. He sat with me the entire time we worked on the bag. THE ENTIRE TIME. Even during the morning as I tried to finish up some spots that needed to be closed up. He was there. It makes me excited for future projects but he just kept talking about how he was happy to sit with me. Another moment where my heart ached with joy but also the it also brought about a realization that I have not been the attentive and available parent that I want to be. He was happy about the bag and yes he was happy to receive a Spiderman upgrade but he was most happy to sit with me.

When I think about that, I think about two things. First, my boy and I need to carve out more intentional time together. The second, I wonder if this is how the Lord is. Just wanting out time. Just wanting a little bit of our attention, to share what his plans are for us, to listen to us, to just be with us. I have been working through my yearly fast and the thing that always takes up thought space in my mind is, time. Time for what needs to be done, time for what we want to do and time to rest. Last year was a year of no and this year is a year of balance. Some no but integrating some yes. I hope I can continue to make this much needed time for my boy but more importantly, the much needed time I want to spend with the Lord. I can never figure out why it's so easy to just wake up at 5 am to meet a friend for coffee but the thought of waking up to read scripture just makes me want to stay in bed. I want to yearn for that time with the Lord, like I do with my son. At the end of the fast, it will no longer be a fast, just a lifestyle. I've not been particularly hard on myself when I haven't woken up early to read but I do still make it a point to spend some time with the Lord during the day.

For now, I will drink more coffee and go to bed earlier to spend time with the Lord. I will pray for the Lord to continue to make time for me and my children. I've yearned for more time with my boy and as I work to make the Lord my first priority, instead of just visiting with my scraps of time, I've found more energy and more time. Thus providing a little smidgen of time with my boy. Tonight, I was able to chat about his day, how he showed his back pack off and what he had to do for homework. I also did have a second cup of coffee which might just be what I need, on days when I don't work out. The Lord is so gracious to give me time, literally opening up time for me and my boy. I know there are only so many years left. He's going to be 9 this year and it seems so far away but time is really speeding past. I hope I get to have more quality time with him. Not just time doing the things we need to do but also doing the things we want to do. I love that boy so much.

As I think about how I want that block of time to just be open with no more exhausted moments when I don't give my all it really shows that above all the busyness and business, that time is the desire of my heart. I pray that I can spend my days with this boy and as his mama it makes me sad to know I don't always do my best. Most days, I'm so tired from the other babies that I can't muster the energy to really spend time with him. In this little moment, I heard his heart. I'm grateful for the broken backpack. It helped me to spend the time with him I wanted to spend but couldn't under ordinary circumstances. It also provided a cool craft for the blog and an opportunity to bless him with a Spiderman bag that he happily shows off. I want to find a way to not be pulled in 15 different directions at once but since that doesn't seem to be slowing down anytime soon, I'll settle for the little craft time we have together when it's available and hope we can set up more times like that. Even if it's just working on something broken.